


whispers behind my back

by oceandawn



Series: in another life [8]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Coda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 17:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30126435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceandawn/pseuds/oceandawn
Summary: callum's told the truth. well, half of it. what now?or ; mini character study from the 05/01/2021 episode
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: in another life [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924921
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	whispers behind my back

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my docs since the episode aired and i didn't feel it was worth uploading until i stumbled upon it again recently. very short... didn't have the motivation to finish whatever i had planned for it and i still don't aaaah writer burnout

He's told Ben, and somehow it feels worse.

The bar is cold, his fingertips numb. Facing Phil lingers somewhere in his chest because he knows it's not the full truth and that's  _ more  _ frightening.

Lying twice.

Callum doesn't hear Ben's admiration, the declaration of infinite devotion, and maybe that's what's most upsetting. Ben hasn't said much, nothing more than  _ you shouldn't have gone through that on your own  _ and it's true. He shouldn't have.

Maybe it would've been easier to tell Ben, to have him play along, but the fear of losing him only having just found him is like walking on hot coal. If he's quick enough, he'll reach the other side without much harm. 

And the other — well. He's not fond of thinking about it.

Yet somehow, he still feels worse, still blinks his eyes back open when Sharon places three beers in front of him, the small sound of her voice in ringing ears.

Callum's sure it's that one question, the question he dreads because it's another lie.

_ Are you okay? _

_ Yes —  _ he has to say, like a mantra.  _ Ben knows enough and that's fine. I'm fine. I won't lose him. _

He quickly smiles, nodding, giving that cheerful laugh that makes other people smile so easily.

"Yeah! Fine," His heart squeezes at the lie. "Fine. Just been a long day."

Sharon mumbles on about getting some rest, and her smile is so easy that Callum almost desperately asks how she does it. How do you manage to do that in a world like this?

But he also sees the shift, the sadness in her eye when she turns to another customer, the way her sense of being seems to drain when she doesn't have to face the world.

Callum goes to ask, to ask  _ are you okay  _ to Sharon too, but his heart doesn't have the strength. How does  _ he  _ say it when he can't answer that himself?

He takes the beers, holding them so they grip each other, walking back to the seat of the bar and how Ben and Jay are seemingly mid conversation, halting when Callum is near.

Ben and Jay both exchange a glance, and Callum is suddenly cold.

_ They know. _

_ They both know, don't they? _

His anxiety riles it's head, ugly, and Callum sits down with a shake in his step, wiping his palms on his knees when he sits back.

"So," he starts, licking his dry lips as Ben reaches for his beer, eyes towards him. The room is suddenly too hot to breathe. "What were— what were we talking about?"

Ben does this awkward shuffle, Jay watching him, and it's not long before he's making up conversation to numb the silence. Callum hates it, honestly, the back and forth they all share as if Callum hasn't been lying for ages.

Somewhere during more rounds, the atmosphere lifts, and Ben leans into Callum's side as he talks about an odd job at the arches last week, Callum's arm around his shoulders. It's a relief to have him this close again, to not feel as if he's sitting on the edge of the end of everything he's ever wanted.

Ben's hand moves over his knee from time to time, the usual thing he does, what he's always done, and Callum breathes with knowing that the worst is over, that he hasn't lost anything.

A smile curves his lips, gentle as Ben turns and catches it, tapping Callum's chin and whispering between them as Jay excuses himself to the gents.

"Hey," says Ben, smiling that rare smile as Callum looks down at him. "You done for tonight?"

Callum doesn't know what he was expecting but that wasn't it. Frankly, he's glad Ben said it.

"Yeah," replies Callum, using that arm around Ben's shoulder to hug him a little closer, wanting to leave but not wanting to move. His thumb tickles his ear. "I think I'm done for today."

"Let's go, then," Ben pats his knee, finishing his drink, standing up and pulling at Callum's jacket until Callum finds his hand, intertwining their fingers.

Callum does that shy smile again, the one Ben falls in love with boundless times as Jay walks out of the gents.

"Oi!" Jay points to their table. "You leavin' me?"

"Sorry, mate," Ben pats Callum's chest. "Taking this one home."

"Alright," and even Jay smiles fondly at them. Something was definitely said. "Night, lovebirds."

Callum goes to correct him but he's being pulled out of the pub, hand in hand with Ben and into the cold. He's about to ask if Ben's alright but he's being kissed, in broad daylight in front of the row of market stalls like the ending to some sort of movie.

When Ben pulls away, he's just as dazed as Callum is, but he breaks out of it sooner, pulling at Callum's sleeve to get him walking again.

"What was that for?" Callum asks, Ben swinging their arms.

"Love you," says Ben, giving a small wink Callum's way. He really hopes Callum didn't hear him earlier, and from the lack of reaction, he probably didn't.

Either way, Ben is feeling  _ a lot. Like, a lot.  _ He honestly didn't expect to ever say he'd want to marry someone, that's not him, but something about hearing the words  _ I'd do anything to protect you  _ with a tone so  _ Callum,  _ so  _ devoted and loving  _ that it really nails home that Callum is in for the long haul.

Ben is too. He just didn't know until now, or at least, he couldn't admit it until now.


End file.
